A Human Being First and a Husband Second

Jim was in his late sixties when he was admitted to hospice for brain cancer. He was tall and lanky; well over six feet tall. He was bald from surgery and chemotherapy and unable to talk. During my initial visit Jim sat silently folded into his wheelchair. His appearance disguised his accomplishments and abilities, but his wife, Mary made sure I knew what kind of man he’d been. She informed me, “He was a brilliant man. He was strong- willed and self-disciplined. He was gifted in mathematics and sciences; he was a chemist and the nationwide quality control director for a large corporation.”

After reviewing the challenges that she and Jim had experienced because of Jim’s cancer, Mary concluded, “You can learn a lot from hard times if you are willing. Other people can be your teachers. And you can learn as much from bad examples as you can from good ones. You can learn what not to do.”

Naturally, I asked Mary what she’d learned through Jim’s illness and she paused a few seconds to reflect and concluded, “I’ve learned to look at Jim as a human being first and a husband second, because you expect more from a husband than you do a human being.” Mary’s statement stopped me in my tracks. As she continued talking I struggled to stay connected, to listen. I felt immediately compelled to inventory my relationships. Who have I failed to see as a human being first? Upon whom have I laid unrealistic expectations, and why?

I’m reminded of Jesus’ rebuke of the legalistic, hypocritical Pharisees of His day; “They bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers (Matthew 23:4) Let’s admit it, we do the same thing today, don’t we? We “bind heavy burdens”, in the form of unrealistic expectations, and lay them on the shoulders of our spouses, our children, our parents, our friends, our pastors, our physicians etc. We expect more from them than we do from a human being.

Tim Keller, the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan wrote a powerfully penetrating and enlightening book titled, “Counterfeit Gods”, in which he explores and reveals the roots of our unrealistic expectations. His words spoke so strongly to me that what I write from this point on feels like I’m flirting with plagiarism. But I’ve written them on the tablet of my heart and they now feel like a part of me. So I give Tim Keller credit for any good thing you may receive from this point on.

Tim Keller contends that the human heart is an “Idol factory”; that we take “good things” like romance, love, marriage, family, approval, personal success, health, beauty, and material possessions and turn them into “ultimate things”.

These good things can become our idols, our “counterfeit gods”. An idol is anything we consider essential to our happiness and fulfillment other than God. How many times have you said to yourself, “I’d be happy if…If I only had…..if I could only…If they would only ...”?

Tim Keller concludes that no human being, husband, wife, child, or parent can stand up “under the crushing weight of our divine expectations…No human being is qualified for that role…and the inevitable result is bitter disillusionment”. You see, when we turn a “good thing” into an “ultimate thing” we always end up disappointed; because they can never live up to our expectations. And in the light of truth, in the light of who we are, who others are and who God is, it’s not only insane, it’s unfair.

The subtle danger lies in that idols are almost always good things. But freedom isn’t found by no longer loving and appreciating the good things, but in loving God so much more that we don’t become “enslaved by our attachments”. For we all worship something and whatever we worship we serve. Therefore, our idols can’t just be removed they must be replaced, “supplanted by God himself…not as a hedge against failure. Not as one more resource to use to help us achieve our agendas…He is a whole new agenda.”

In conclusion, I challenge us to identify our “counterfeit gods” Then maybe we can see others as human beings first; and maybe we’ll wise up and stop going to dry wells for a drink of water.

My people have committed two evils. They have forsaken Me, the Fountain of Living Water. And they have hewn themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that hold no water. (Jeremiah 2:13)