I Think He's Ready?

This is part one of a two part series about Andy. He was one of nine children, born and raised in Kentucky. He was married once, “for two days”. He admitted he was “drunk” when he made his vows.

Andy appeared passive and dependent. He had been attached to his sister and her husband most of his life. Where they went, Andy went. He worked with his sister’s husband in construction for many years, as a residential and commercial roofer.

Andy was 65 years old when admitted to our Hospice program with end stage colon cancer. He had been in a couple of nursing homes, but drinking buddies took him out on a day pass from which he never returned. He eventually landed back with his sister.

Andy hoped to get better but realized the seriousness of his illness stating, “I don’t know how this cancer is going to go.” But his sister contested, “He can’t leave me. He’s my baby brother. He’s a fighter!” But despite Andy’s hope and his sister’s need, he continued to go down hill. About two weeks after Andy’s enrollment in hospice I received an urgent call from his sister reporting, “He’s getting worse and I can’t care for him any more.” So we admitted Andy to our hospice room with plans for placement in a nursing home.

The day after Andy’s hospitalization I called his sister. Her statement indicated that she was now accepting the inevitable, “I think he’s ready. The preacher talked with him yesterday.” Later that day I visited Andy in the hospice room and asked, “I heard you talked with the preacher. Did you make your peace with God?” To my surprise he replied, “No”.

Andy died several years ago and I’ll tell you the rest of his story next week. I’ve intermittently thought about Andy and his sister since his death. I’ve asked myself, “Why do we, as family and friends, leave it up to the preachers to talk with our loved ones about what they believe spiritually? Why are we so indirect about spiritual issues and questions? Why do we remain silent and avoid talking about the most important and most intimate aspect of our lives? And, why are we so apologetic when we do? Why?”

I asked my wife, Susie, those questions while we were driving to Columbus one day and she had some insights worth sharing. She replied, “It’s a touchy subject…Maybe we’d rather not know…We want to believe they are ready…We’d rather have a little hope than to have that hope crushed. We look for things and reasons to believe they are ready. We’re afraid that if we share and they don’t accept it then we have failed… Really, it’s all fear.”

Who or what has convinced us that it’s somehow wrong, disrespectful or intrusive to initiate a discussion with someone about what they believe? The teacher at a men’s Bible study I attended quoted a woman who expressed her concern that she had become spiritually “too sophisticated”. Her statement made me unsure of my understanding of the word “sophisticated” so I looked up the definition and here it is: Being made worldly-wise and disillusioned; the loss of one’s naturalness, simplicity or genuineness; becoming artificial or tame.

I’m afraid I’ve become spiritually “too sophisticated”, too passive, tame. I hesitate to ask those closest to me what they really believe, if they are ready to meet their maker. But it’s not very comforting after the death of a close friend or loved one to say to ourselves, “ I think he was ready” Let’s discard the world’s false accusations of being intrusive and care enough to find out.

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth…” (Romans 1:16)

The Beginning of Wisdom

I followed the nurse’s directions but I wandered if I’d taken a wrong turn. I was relieved when I finally saw the camp sign at the corner of the dirt road. It was a rustic camp with one road, a half dozen campers and a pond under construction. Larry and Wanda’s home was an 18 foot camper on the left. A garden hose stretched from a water spigot to their camper, about 40 feet. Another larger camper was on the right. There was a crowd of people on the covered deck, standing motionless, staring at me as I drove up the road. I felt their eyes following me as I walked to the camper. To my surprise, there they were again when I made my second visit. Again they were standing motionless staring. This time it was a little eerie and I concluded, ‘If I’m going to come here every week I’m going to have to confront these people’. As I stared back I suddenly realized it was a crowd of manikins, probably placed there by the owner, to discourage would be thieves or vandals. It’s humbling to admit I was stared down by a group of manikins.

Larry was in his 40’s when referred to Hospice for terminal cancer. He and his wife were struggling in every way; financially, legally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally.. But Larry was very intelligent. His wife told me, “He’s so smart. He uses such big words, sometimes I don’t even know what he’s talking about.”

About a month after his admission to Hospice Larry and his wife separated. He moved to a dingy motel sleeping room. He was alone, desperate, angry and bitter. It was one of the saddest endings I’ve witnessed in my 16 years in Hospice. I asked Larry, ‘Are you spiritually ready to face death?’ He replied, “I gave God a try once but things didn’t get any better for me. So I gave it up.” I suggested he had things turned upside down. I explained that you must surrender to God’s will; God doesn’t surrender to yours. But he wrote God off. He died two days later.

Now, I want you to compare Larry with my old friend Ed’s daughter. Barbie is in her 60’s and is mentally retarded. I would guess her mental age around 5 or 6. Anytime something good happens she says, “Thank you Jesus”. Ed was just telling me about a close call. They escaped a near collision with another car and Barbie automatically exclaimed, “Thank you Jesus”. Barbie has such a sincere childlike faith. Jerry may be more intelligent but who is really the wiser? You see, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” (Proverbs 9:10)

I’m reminded of a written verse about the Bible given to me by a 35-year-old female patient several years ago. It is simply titled, “The Bible”. The third and last stanzas are the most inspiring description of God’s word I’ve ever read: “Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you; food to support you; and comfort to cheer you…Owned, it is riches: studied it is wisdom: trusted: it is salvation: loved it is character: and obeyed: it is power.” Let’s not neglect such a great and powerful gift in our times of need. Let’s be truly wise.

I encourage you to leave your comments and feedback on this blog or you can e-mail me at hardinl@somc.org. I’d love to hear from you.

The Joy of a Thankful Heart

Do you remember Ed, my 92-year-old buddy I wrote about last week? Ed still does taxes professionally, carries a beeper and cell phone and puts 3,000 miles a month on his Ford Escort. He takes his developmentally disabled daughter, Barbie, on long drives every evening.

Ed shared how he and his deceased wife, Mary, taught their children the importance of saying “thank you”. If Ed’s told me once, he’s told me a thousand times, “Being nice doesn’t cost you a cent”. Ed also expressed his frustration over how seldom people express their gratitude nowadays. He’s observed; “People pass each other up like a freight train does a hobo…People don’t know how to say thank you anymore. They just grab it out of your hand and go on. I can’t stand that. I’ll say thank you a hundred times a day for the same thing if it’s something I’m thankful for.”

I’m reminded of a story about someone else who expressed his disappointment over the lack of gratitude. In route to Jerusalem, Jesus passed through a small village and encountered a group of ten men plagued with leprosy. When they saw Jesus they cried out for mercy and Jesus directed them, “Go show your self to the priests”. In route, all ten men were miraculously healed.

But how many men do you think returned to thank Jesus? One; one out of ten; “ Now one of them, when he saw he was healed, returned, and with a loud voice glorified God, and fell down on his face at His feet, giving Him thanks.” Imagine Jesus’ disappointment as he asked the one man, “Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the other nine?” (Luke 17:11-19)

I’ve observed that joyful people are usually thankful people and thereby experience the joy of a thankful heart. They are touched by the smallest act of love and kindness. They realize that all of life is a gift. They have no sense of entitlement and they take nothing for granted.

I’ve also observed that there’s no such thing as a self-made man. Of course this is no new insight. The Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthian church in A.D. 56; “For who separates you from the others [as a faction leader]? [Who makes you superior and sets you apart from another, giving you the preeminence?] What have you that was not given to you? If then you received it [from someone], why do you boast as if you had not received it [but had gained it by your own efforts]? (Amplified Bible, I Corinthians 4:7)

In the light of these truths, the only legitimate response to success, to personal accomplishment, to life in general is gratitude. Do you see how pride and a demanding attitude of entitlement, are always illegitimate responses? I don’t know about you, but when I meet Jesus face-to-face I’m not going to demand what I deserve because I’m afraid I might get it. I’m begging for mercy.

Getting back to Jesus’ question, “…where are the other nine?” I don’t know where they went, but I do know that when they’re found, I hope, by the grace of God, that I’m not found with them.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (I Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Old Before Your Time

I believe Ed was 88 years old when we met. He promised his friend he would look after his wife after his death. Ed orchestrated Dorothy’s care, checked on her at least twice a day and eventually hired 24-hour care. During our first meetings we faced some difficult challenges, but our meetings became less formal and more personal. We shared experiences, ideas, beliefs and philosophies. Keeping Dorothy at home became no longer possible and we arranged admission to a local nursing home. It was to be our last visit. Ed signed the form to revoke Dorothy from Hospice and I stated, “Ed, I guess this is the last time we’ll be meeting” and Ed asked, “But can’t we just meet as friends?”

We’ve met as friends every other Thursday for three years now. He always brings me a stack of verses, poems or articles and states, “I thought these might help you in your job… I really like this public relations stuff.” Our meetings are very spontaneous but we always end up on a personally and spiritually challenging topic. Ed states, “I like it when we come here unarmed and unrehearsed.”

Ed is now 92 and he thankfully proclaims “I give God all the credit for my longevity. He is my pilot and my guide; my judge and my jury.” Ed carries a beeper and cell phone and still does taxes for select clients. He drives about 3000 miles a month taking his developmentally disabled daughter rides; because “she loves it”. People tell him, ‘Pop, you’re too old to do that.’ But he replies, “I don’t count my birthdays I count my blessings. I don’t think about how old I am, I think about the job I have to do.” He told me, “When I’m driving I just obey the signs and keep it between the lines.” Ed becomes frustrated when he hears people talk about being too old to do this or that. He contends we become old before our time when we are old in our minds.

I’m reminded of a Home Care patient I met several years ago. She and her husband were both Polish immigrants and were both in their seventies. There was a small piano with several music books in the corner of the living room. I asked who played and the husband stated, “My wife always wanted to play the piano so she started teaching herself about five years ago. We’ve had so much enjoyment singing together.” If she had told herself, “I’m too old” they would have deprived themselves of 5 years of enjoyment and wonderful memories.

One more story and I’ll close. While driving, I heard a call-in radio show, “Doctor Toni”. A lady called in for advice about whether to attend college to pursue a new career. She asked, “I’m 54 years old. It will take me at least 4 years and I’ll be 58 when I finish. Am I too old to start all over?” Dr. Toni asked, “How old will you be in 4 years if you don’t go back to school?” In other words, what do you have to lose?

It’s never too late start doing what’s right or what we enjoy. The next time we tell ourselves we are too told to start something new or pursue a dream or goal, let’s remember Ed. Let’s count our blessings not our birthdays. Let’s keep driving and just obey the signs and keep it between the lines. Let’s not end up with an epitaph that states, “Died, age 45, buried age 70”.