When I Became a Man

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” (I Corinthians 13:11-13)

This is the second of a two part series about Rose and Ken. If you missed last weeks story titled, “Don’t be such a Ham about it”, you can view it at here.

Rose, who has a type of dementia called Pick’s Disease, took an unexpected turn for the worse this week. She spiked a fever and was readmitted to our inpatient hospice unit. Her husband, Ken, told me, “Buddy, I thought I’d lost her. I really did. She wasn’t responding at all.” Ken’s eyes welled with tears as he said, “I was never a man to cry. You couldn’t make me cry. I’ve been hit so hard that it was like being kicked by a mule. You see this scar on my chin? I’ve been hit so many times. I’ve got scars all over my head. But I’ve never been hit hard enough to make me cry or to make me want to give up…I’ve always been the kind of person that if I told you something you could bank on it. And I won’t lie to you. I once got a butt whipping in school because I wouldn’t lie. I could have gotten out of it if I would’ve lied. And I don’t believe in pretending to be something you’re not. What you see is what you get.”

Ken may never have been hit hard enough by a man to make him cry, but the mere thought of losing Rose hit Ken hard enough to stagger him, to almost bring him to his knees. His eyes welled with tears again as he talked about their life together: “Back when we were young, before we had any kids, I was laid off for about six months. We didn’t have anything coming in at all. A preacher heard about it and came to talk to me. He offered to help, but I told him that we would try to make it on our own. So Rose and I painted barn roofs to make money. She got right up there with me. And she helped me load coal in the back of a pickup and we sold it for $5.00 a load. One day I got cheated out of two loads, but that’s alright.” Ken reflected, “The only thing I regret is that I wished I’d gone to church with her sooner…but you have to do it on your own. If you try to push people into it, you only push them farther away…The day that I finally got baptized the church was crowded. I think they all came to see if they were going to drown me.”

Ken’s “tender loving care” of Rose, reminds me of a song by “Alabama”: “I was taught to believe and never to doubt, the Man up above knows what he’s talking about. So when I heard that voice, so loud and clear, speak to my heart, I knew that she must be near. The Maker said take her and love her forever. Take care of her for life; and treat her right. I never was the one to listen very well. I walked my own way and felt what I felt; the further out of touch with a master plan. Well she was like a flight to the promise land. And the Maker said take her and love her forever. Take care of her for life. Never forsake her don’t be a heart breaker, the Maker said take her and treat her right, just treat her right. He placed an angel in the palm of my hands; and for once in my life I obeyed his commands. I’ll take her and love her forever, take care of her for life, never forsake her, don’t be a heartbreaker…just treat her right...” (The Maker Said Take Her)

We conduct interdisciplinary care planning meetings every Thursday morning and about 20-25 staff members participate. When Rose came up for discussion I shared my plans for this column. But I also decided to stick my neck out and make a confession. I told the team: “I know that this is going to sound strange for one man to say about another man, but Ken makes me want to be a better man.”

I should have expected the comment that came next; because; “If you dish it out you have to be willing to take it.” I’m continually casting out comments, like lures, trying to get others to bite on them, especially the females. So, Dr. Bonzo, with a satisfied smile on her face responded, “I bet Susie wishes you were a better man too.” Then the other females, knowing my wife Susie, chimed in with an enthusiastic, “Yeah!”

As I sit here writing this column, I’ve concluded that Dr. Bonzo’s comment, even though made in jest, probably contains some element of truth. Susie probably does wish I were a better man. And there’s probably a reason why Ken makes me want to be a better man; because I need to be. What about you?

Our culture, and even our churches, has distorted what it means to be a man. John Eldredge in his book, “Wild at Heart”, writes: “Some women want a passive man…the church wants a tame man…the university wants a domesticated man…the corporation wants a sanitized, hairless, shallow man…”. Consequently, many men have become separated from their own hearts for, “the heart of a man is driven into the high country.”

C.S. Lewis, in, “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe”, wrote about Aslan, a lion, the true king of Narnia, who was returning to reclaim his kingdom. And when the children asked, “Is he tame?” they are told, “No, he’s not tame, but he is good.” If you want to know what it means to be a real man then just “look unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith?” (Hebrews 12:2). He is the one with the pen in his hand. And don’t be afraid of Him, for “He is good.” But, do be careful; don’t push Him, because “He’s not tame”. After all, He is a Lion.