We Just Started to Mold

Shirley was in her 70’s, a widow, with terminal cancer when she was admitted to our hospice program. She married at age 15 and admitted, “I got pregnant and then married, but I think you’re supposed to do it the other way around.” Shirley shared how she and her husband, during their early years of marriage, loved to dance. Shirley reflected, “My husband had to have a few beers before he would dance but I didn’t need anything. I just loved to dance. But he had to stop drinking due to health problems so we stopped dancing too. The Kids were older too so they didn’t need us much anymore. So we started watching TV and going out to eat. I really didn’t enjoy it. I was bored. We just couldn’t think of anything that we wanted to do, so we just started to mold. It became a routine and we started to fit into a mold.” Shirley looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “Loren, don’t ever let yourself start to mold”.

Shirley and I continued talking about the stages of life, how each stage presents us with respective challenges and tasks that we must master in order to progress. Shirley, with a shaky voice speculated, “This might be my last stage and I won’t be moving on to another one. I’m stuck in this stage and I can’t get out of it. I want to go back to another stage when I could dance.”

Just like Shirley, along our journeys we come to crossroads, unfamiliar places, steep dark passages, questions with no ready answers. Many people when faced with these life changes and transitions fall into depression. John Bunyan wrote a wonderful metaphor titled “Pilgrims Progress”, which depicts our spiritual stages and challenges. He wrote about how “Christian” along his pilgrimage to the “Celestial City” fell into the “Pit of Despond” (despair). Then a fellow pilgrim named “Helper” came along and asked, “What are you doing out there?” Christian replied, “I fell in! “ Helper asked, “ Why didn’t you use the steps…some good and substantial steps have been placed in this slough (stagnant swamp) by order of the Lord of Salvation, but at times this marsh spews out a lot of filth, and in times of changing weather the steps are hardly seen. Even if the steps are visible to a normal person, here a man’s head often becomes so dizzy that he cannot see the steps; then he staggers to one side and mires down in the slime. Nevertheless the steps are there.”

Shirley, in her despair sighed, “What good am I to anyone? What can I do now?” And Shirley wanted to go back to a stage when she could still dance. But there’s no going back to what used to be and the future isn’t always an extension of the past. It’s only when we turn our sighs into questions and then seek the answers that we can move forward. I believe that when Shirley starts seeking the answers to her questions she will discover that there is another stage of life to progress to. And I’ve seen some indications that she may already be on the road ahead. For she recently told me about what good biscuits and gravy she fixes and then suddenly realized, “Nobody knows how to fix my biscuits and gravy! I haven’t taught anybody how to fix them yet!”

Is this a time of “changing weather” for you? Are you in transition? If so, for God’s sake, for your sake, for your family’s sake, don’t turn back. Don’t let yourself start to mold. Look for the steps and take the road ahead. And if “Helper” shows up reach out your hand.