Don't Try Too Hard

This is one of the more challenging columns I’ve written. I almost aborted it at the last minute. I still struggle with knowing when to try harder and when to accept and surrender. I’m more comfortable with working than sitting. Phyllis, a 55 year old hospice patient, taught me that trying harder isn’t always what’s needed, or even wanted.

Phyllis was one of 11 children, a country girl, born and raised in Southern Ohio. Her dream was to become a surgical nurse, but brain damage sustained in an auto accident disqualified her. However, she was still able to do private duty nursing as a LPN. She lived most of her adult life in a beach house in Florida. She loved the ocean, reading and solitude.

Phyllis returned to Portsmouth to be near her family when her colon cancer reached its final stage. Her family admirably respected and guarded Phyllis’ independence and privacy. They allowed her to struggle living independently until 24-hour care became necessary. She then moved in with her mother and eventually to a local nursing home when her care became too complicated and demanding for her mother.

I believe the hospice staff had more difficulty accepting the nursing home placement and her terminal illness than Phyllis did. We brainstormed ways to maximize the quality of her life. We had a telephone installed in her room, assigned a volunteer, read to her and met with the nursing home staff weekly to devise plans. In retrospect, I think I probably exhausted, and possibly even irritated, Phyllis at times. My frantic efforts to make things better resulted in my “disturbing the peace”.

One day Phyllis was sitting in her room, in a bedside chair behind the curtained partition with the light off. She seemed depressed and I wanted to “make it better”. She said, “Loren, I’m ready to join Him. I’m ready to join Jesus. Do you know what I’ve found? I’ve found that when I just let go and lay everything in God’s hands that I find a special peace comes over me. So will you do me a favor? Don’t try too hard”.

Phyllis’ request reminds me of a Bible story (Luke 10:38-42). Jesus traveled to the small village of Bethany and was welcomed into the home of two sisters, Mary and Martha. Mary sat at Jesus’ feet listening to Him, but Martha was distracted with much serving. Angry at her sister for not helping, Martha approached Jesus and asked, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone. Therefore tell her to help me.” But Jesus replied, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled by many things. But one thing is needed and Mary has chosen that good part which will not be taken away from her.” Or, in the words of Phyllis, “Don’t try too hard”.

Martha was so focused on the work that she neglected the person. People, especially the terminally ill, want and need a friend not a servant. They don’t expect us, or even want us, to try to fix everything. They want us to be with them, where they are. So let’s slow down and focus on the “one thing” that is needful. Let’s guard against being “distracted by much serving” and let’s choose “that good part”.