This is part one of a series about Vannen and his wife, Eleanor. Vannen was admitted to hospice at age seventy-three with end-stage Parkinson’s and Alzheimber's disease. Vannen is a master auto mechanic and taught automotive technology at the Pike County and Pickaway-Ross Vocational Schools. According to Eleanor, “Vannen could fix anything”. But now Vannen requires total care, which Eleanor provides tenderly and lovingly.
Even though Vannen is enshrouded by his illness, his personality and sense of humor still break through his confusion from time to time. Eleanor recounted, “The caregiver brought him two chicken drumsticks one day. After he ate both of them she told him, ‘I should have brought you some more’. Vannen told her, ‘I never saw a three legged chicken before.’” On another occasion, Vannen appearing to be confused and rambling was talking out loud. Eleanor asked him, “Are you talking to me?” Vannen replied, ‘No, but you can join in if you want to.’ Eleanor added, “It’s funny but it’s not funny.”
During one of my visits Eleanor asked, “Do you want to see our pond?” On our way Eleanor stopped by the garage and scooped up some fish pellets. I followed her along a path of embedded concrete blocks through a field behind their house. The pond wasn’t visible at first but the path lead us to a small wooden dock with a leaning rail, overlooking the pond. Eleanor broadcasted the fish pellets into the water and several large orange, yellow and multicolored fish rolled to the surface to feed. They were accompanied by a solitary turtle, a large catfish and several blue gills. Eleanor explained, “Those orange and yellow ones are Japanese Coi”. She pointed out the ones with “fan tails”.
On the way back down the concrete block path I asked, “Who laid all these blocks?” Eleanor explained, “Several years ago I had a bad ankle and couldn’t walk on uneven ground. So Vannen laid all these blocks so I could still get to the pond. If he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the pond together.” I commented on how big a job it must have been and on how many blocks there were (424 to be exact, I counted). Then Eleanor, with a vulnerable girlish smile, declared, “He loves me”.
I tried to conceal it, but Eleanor’s testimony of Vannen’s love instantly prompted my life and marriage to pass before my eyes. During my next visit I admitted to Eleanor that Vannen’s example convicted me. Eleanor replied, “Loren, I never knew you didn’t love your wife!” She laughed and added, “I was just kidding”. Eleanor may have been kidding, but in “Twelve Step” terminology, her jest triggered a “fearless moral inventory” and some confession to God of “the exact nature of my wrongs”, once I got back home.
I’m reminded of the story about the Rabbi and the young man. The Rabbi, as was the custom, taught his group of disciples as they walked through the city streets. A young man watched from a distance and became very fond of the teacher. Mustering up the courage, he approached the Rabbi and said, “Rabbi, I’ve watched you from a distance, I’ve grown to love you and I would like to become one of your disciples. The Rabbi asked the young man. Do you know what brings me joy? The young man answered, “No”. Then he asked, “Do you know what brings me sadness?” Again the young man answered, “No”. Then the rabbi asked him, “Then how can you say you love me?”
I believe many of us have a vague and languid concept of love; a concept that is weak with weariness, worn out, sluggish and without force, enthusiasm, or animation. Vague concepts render us directionless and without a clear purpose or intent; therefore it behooves us to know what we mean and mean what we say. I suggest and believe that true love is first of all, volitional; a choice, not a feeling. Secondly, true love is always benevolent or “good willing”. It is dedicated to the highest good of another for its own sake, without regard to personal satisfaction. Thirdly, love is intentional, not accidental or casual. It cares enough to understand what brings another joy and happiness, what the persons’ hopes and dreams are, and then exerts it’s self to help the other attain them. It’s even willing to lay 424 concrete blocks without complaining or boasting.
Now, for our mission should we accept it! Let’s consider the people we say we love; name them, visualize them. Now let’s be honest, do we know what their hopes, dreams and needs are? Do we know what brings them joy, what makes them sad? Moreover, are we willing to exert ourselves to do something about it? If not, how can we say we love them?
Let’s choose to be “benevolently intentional” and “intentionally benevolent”. Then perhaps those we say we care about will say of us, “He (She) loves me”. And what a glorious, transcendent and wonderful way to live and be! It’s the kind of love the apostle Paul referred to when he declared, “…I show you a more excellent way.” (I Corinthians 12:31-13:13).
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13)
Even though Vannen is enshrouded by his illness, his personality and sense of humor still break through his confusion from time to time. Eleanor recounted, “The caregiver brought him two chicken drumsticks one day. After he ate both of them she told him, ‘I should have brought you some more’. Vannen told her, ‘I never saw a three legged chicken before.’” On another occasion, Vannen appearing to be confused and rambling was talking out loud. Eleanor asked him, “Are you talking to me?” Vannen replied, ‘No, but you can join in if you want to.’ Eleanor added, “It’s funny but it’s not funny.”
During one of my visits Eleanor asked, “Do you want to see our pond?” On our way Eleanor stopped by the garage and scooped up some fish pellets. I followed her along a path of embedded concrete blocks through a field behind their house. The pond wasn’t visible at first but the path lead us to a small wooden dock with a leaning rail, overlooking the pond. Eleanor broadcasted the fish pellets into the water and several large orange, yellow and multicolored fish rolled to the surface to feed. They were accompanied by a solitary turtle, a large catfish and several blue gills. Eleanor explained, “Those orange and yellow ones are Japanese Coi”. She pointed out the ones with “fan tails”.
On the way back down the concrete block path I asked, “Who laid all these blocks?” Eleanor explained, “Several years ago I had a bad ankle and couldn’t walk on uneven ground. So Vannen laid all these blocks so I could still get to the pond. If he hadn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the pond together.” I commented on how big a job it must have been and on how many blocks there were (424 to be exact, I counted). Then Eleanor, with a vulnerable girlish smile, declared, “He loves me”.
I tried to conceal it, but Eleanor’s testimony of Vannen’s love instantly prompted my life and marriage to pass before my eyes. During my next visit I admitted to Eleanor that Vannen’s example convicted me. Eleanor replied, “Loren, I never knew you didn’t love your wife!” She laughed and added, “I was just kidding”. Eleanor may have been kidding, but in “Twelve Step” terminology, her jest triggered a “fearless moral inventory” and some confession to God of “the exact nature of my wrongs”, once I got back home.
I’m reminded of the story about the Rabbi and the young man. The Rabbi, as was the custom, taught his group of disciples as they walked through the city streets. A young man watched from a distance and became very fond of the teacher. Mustering up the courage, he approached the Rabbi and said, “Rabbi, I’ve watched you from a distance, I’ve grown to love you and I would like to become one of your disciples. The Rabbi asked the young man. Do you know what brings me joy? The young man answered, “No”. Then he asked, “Do you know what brings me sadness?” Again the young man answered, “No”. Then the rabbi asked him, “Then how can you say you love me?”
I believe many of us have a vague and languid concept of love; a concept that is weak with weariness, worn out, sluggish and without force, enthusiasm, or animation. Vague concepts render us directionless and without a clear purpose or intent; therefore it behooves us to know what we mean and mean what we say. I suggest and believe that true love is first of all, volitional; a choice, not a feeling. Secondly, true love is always benevolent or “good willing”. It is dedicated to the highest good of another for its own sake, without regard to personal satisfaction. Thirdly, love is intentional, not accidental or casual. It cares enough to understand what brings another joy and happiness, what the persons’ hopes and dreams are, and then exerts it’s self to help the other attain them. It’s even willing to lay 424 concrete blocks without complaining or boasting.
Now, for our mission should we accept it! Let’s consider the people we say we love; name them, visualize them. Now let’s be honest, do we know what their hopes, dreams and needs are? Do we know what brings them joy, what makes them sad? Moreover, are we willing to exert ourselves to do something about it? If not, how can we say we love them?
Let’s choose to be “benevolently intentional” and “intentionally benevolent”. Then perhaps those we say we care about will say of us, “He (She) loves me”. And what a glorious, transcendent and wonderful way to live and be! It’s the kind of love the apostle Paul referred to when he declared, “…I show you a more excellent way.” (I Corinthians 12:31-13:13).
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13)
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